𝖁𝖊𝖓𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖆𝖓𝕵𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖑

[ TRIGGER WARNING I GUESS ]

A few weeks ago, I woke up and didn’t want to live. The weight of the world, my own struggles, and the feeling of hopelessness all collided at once. It was overwhelming. And to make matters worse, my therapist didn’t make me feel any better. I found myself asking, What exactly am I living for?

For so long, I told myself I was living for my family—hoping they’d show up, offer love, and extend empathy. But life has taught me, repeatedly, that some people will never give you what you deserve. I had to pivot my purpose.

I love my partner. I love my cat. I love my friends. They keep me going. But the real challenge was making room for myself. It hit me that I often abandon myself the way my family did. That realization was alarming, but necessary. Behind the hair and makeup, there’s a human being fighting for her life. And yet, I’ve spent so much time explaining my humanity to people who refuse to acknowledge their own.

People assume I have it all figured out because I’m self-aware. They see the strength, the confidence, the ability to articulate my thoughts—but they don’t see the years of masking. I had to. I didn’t always have control, a voice, or the power to say, Absolutely not. But now? I do.

Outgrowing Old Versions of Myself

I’ve been so many versions of myself. Each one shaped by different experiences, relationships, and mistakes. I used to beat myself up over past decisions—wondering if I should’ve been more healed, if I should’ve handled things differently. But I was always doing the best I could with what I had. And most importantly, I was authentic in every stage.

For years, I second-guessed myself. I questioned if I was too much, if I was ruining vibes, if I was stepping on toes. But looking back, I realize—who was checking to see if I was even vibing?

Imposter syndrome will have you surrounding yourself with people who don’t align with you. Loneliness will have you entertaining connections that don’t actually serve you. But thank God, I woke up.

Now, I’m surrounded by people who are growing, investing in themselves, and living with intention. And that makes me feel like I’m in alignment. Because your circle is a reflection of you. I used to wait for people to be kind, to be considerate, to be human. But I’m done waiting. I refuse to subscribe to a version of life that doesn’t fulfill me.

Today, and every day moving forward, I choose me. That doesn’t mean I’m shutting out the people I love—it means I’m no longer looking to them to be my source of happiness. I am my source.

I’m living for me.

I’m living to finish undergrad.

I’m living to have my bills on autopay.

I’m living to experience the love I always desired.

I’m living for deep, meaningful moments with my partner, my friends, and my future children.

I’m living to dance in my home, to sing, to witness my cat grow old.

I’m living to live, bitch.

They say God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers. And even though I’ve cried, I’ve wanted to give up, and I’ve found myself surrounded by people who didn’t see me—I’m still here. I thank God for keeping me alive long enough to witness the fruits of my labor.

My old habits had to die so I could give birth to living my life in my fullness.

And that’s exactly what I intend to do.