Identifying Narcissitic Traits + Reparenting Yourself

“The terms “red pill” and “blue pill” refer to a choice between the willingness to learn a potentially unsettling or life-changing truth, by taking the red pill, or remaining in contented ignorance with the blue pill.”

One of the hardest pills to swallow is the truth and a lot of people are not willing to hear it. Especially from those who you’re not smart enough to speak proudly. The truth may be the best thing that has happened to me and it has helped me clear out the delusion that has been implanted in my head from those who intentionally tried to minimize my efforts to being a good person for myself and those who I love. When you get around someone that challenges your character your natural instinct is to humble them, I get it. Pedo like, when are you going start taking accountability for the life you chose to live. With the help of social media, we tend to experience a lot of people living in delusion. Their lives behind the scenes do not match their reality yet you’ll never know because we’re allowed to selectively choose what we want others to percieve of us. The goal is to maintain the idea of who they think they are but to protect who they truly are.

Recently, I chose to disconnect from my birth mother after years of enduring narcissistic abuse. Ideally in the black community, we do not associate discipline or other toxic control programming with abuse which comes from our history of slavery. Alot of our parents normalized beating and speaking down on their children because they grew up seeing it done do them when in reality it simply causes resentment and it’s all motivated by ego. But beyond the abuse, I took a step back and realized that it must have taken a lot to raise me. Apart of understanding why things happen to you is being aware of where it’s coming from. Growing up in a single mother home where there wasn’t a father figure to maintain the balance has caused a lot of flare ups within the household. Unfortunately, because of the imbalance there was no way of putting a stop to a lot of the events that caused me to despise my mom’s way of parenting.

– Mom

One thing I’ve learned about having narcissistic parents is that if they can afford to financially manipulate you, they will. Being able to wave your money in your kids face so that they can feel the need to submit to you is narcissistic. All children want from their parents is love, no matter what age they are. Once I was able to identify these toxic behaviors within my relationship with my mom I decided to cut all tides. I’ve been studying what love means to me and how I want to be reflected in my life and this particular relationship wasn’t giving. I had to ask myself, would this relationship work if money wasn’t involved. Is there genuine love involved or is it conditional, and I realized instantly based on the level of sabotage I’ve endured for so long the conditions no longer suites me.

I’m always willing to learn more about why certain relationships do not work because out of all my relationships, the most toxic one is with my mother. The lack of respect and boundaries mixed with the over consumption of her personal matters began to dawn on me. Online she’s able to paint a picture where she’s this supportive, loving, generous mom but in real life she disregards my feelings, she continuously speaks about herself and what she has, and she uses me to fill the void of not seeking loving and fruitful relationships that allows her to show up as her TRUE self. This illusion has caused an inbalance within my mind because I’ve been consuming a lot of her emotions which always made me feel like the parent in a way.

The decision to depart from someone who has done such a great job at making sure the world sees their efforts instead of truly honoring my word and valuing my time was priceless. It has been quite a ride continuously having to intake negativity within our relationship and it’s finally time to move on. After a while you realize that once you’ve dropped the very things that is causing you so much mishap, all of the fears of you not being enough goes away because it was just blocking your vision the whole time.

Source: Web MD- How to handle a Narcissitic Mother

I’ve been spending time in a meditative state of mind and praying for more and more @ peace as the days progress. One of the most valuable prayers that has been helping me with this process is the one and only : Lords prayer.

Whenever God strips you from those who are so familiar to you, be graceful. He has a plan and we have to trust that whatever he has destined for us must come with a more rewarding solution. Love does not equate to suffering, you must embrace change in order to set yourself free from the life you use to know.

Reparenting myself has been one of the most vital parts of my self love journey. Accepting the fact that I’ll probably never get the love I deserve from my parents has been a very long heartbreak BUT learning how to heal myself was key. Healing can come in various forms but reparenting yourself is your second chance at being a mom or dad. It may seem weird but the wiser you get, the more shit gets weird honestly lol. Sometimes in life people are not able to see outside of themselves and as someone who’s in charge of the life that they live you MUST see outside of yourself and take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. Your obligation is to make sure your emotional wellness is held at the same standard as the things that falls into the category of vanity.

Tips on how to reparent yourself :

1. Start your day with love daily

Do things that makes your heart feel full of love. Things that make you feel loved will translate to you given yourself the love you deserve. This can be something as simple as taking a nice cool shower or doing your favorite clay mask. It doesn’t have to be major, but prioritizing your self care is key.

2. Create a list of things you refuse to accept within your life

Often times, we allow people to disrespect of overstep our boundaries for the said of being nice. Being nice is usually taught to those who were taken advantage of and eventually you grow up thinking that being “nice” will change that. Ideally, being intentional is key. If you intend to maintain your boundaries, those who surround themselves around you will have no choice but to do so in order to be in your presence. Look at your existence as an honor, value it.

3. Give yourself daily rewards

I cannot tell you how much I overly spoil myself because of all the bullshit I’ve dealt with in my past. It can become excessive only if you lack discipline but the goal is to never limit yourself. If you feel like you’re deserving go for what you want, buy that caramel frappe and enjoy every sip of it.

4. Stay in the present and practice mindfulness daily

Often times, we tend to be extremely nostalgic and we end up ruining our day by time traveling back to traumatic events that broke us. Sometimes it’s best to just live in the present and embrace all that God is providing for you during this time. Being mindful of your thoughts, word, and actions will help you to be clear about how you intend on moving forward.

5. Think and create beautiful memories

If you’ve had a rough past, create a more meaningful future for Yourself. Depending on your level of freedom you are in control of your own destiny. It’s now time to create the story you’ve always wanted to read, the beautiful story that you want to share with your kids one day, and the story that you’re able to document in photo or visuals so cherish forever. Leave that sad shit in the past, that is no longer your burden! It’s time to free yourself from the shackles of your past.

6. Stop looking for mommy and daddy in your partner define your own meaning of love

This is the most important one but I wanted to ease my way into this tip. Ideally, you will be setting yourself up for failure if you’re seeking the same qualities that you wanted fro your parents in your partners. The two shouldn’t associate with each other because sometimes we’re not cut out to receive that love because it causes the same codependancy you’re trying to break. Only you will know how this love you seek feels so simply do it yourself. It may seem harsh but nobody will love you the way you love yourself unless you put them in training lol. There may be a few attributes that may remind you of a parent such as being kind or protective but you cannot expect that instantly. The more you pour into you, and create boundaries for your mental wellness, you’ll begin to attract the love you’ve always needed.

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