Journal Entry – Outgrowing My Past Self

3/19/19 3:10am

I am manifesting the live I’ve always desired. Feminine freedom,liberated concepts and experiences that allows the evolution to get sweeter as you go. I want to start by creating a space for women to feel beautiful. I started Froliyf 2 years ago and I want to go to hair school to expand my knowledge of hair. Preferably the Paul Mitchell School. Learning how to perfect my work while being an it girl is a goal. I want to be known for being the Island Spice Girl from the Bronx. I want to be a diverse hairstylist so that my services are not as limited as it is right now. Once I complete hair school I’ll be driving and more familiar with Houston. I’m learning to listen more than I talk. It has helped me to interpret things that may have gotten lost in communication. I’m deserving of my happiness because I’ve always sacrificed it to make others comfortable. I will not sacrifice my happiness to make others comfortable. My mom has spent a great amount of time using her will power to control me and how I live my life. Being an only child has given her that ability because there we’re no other siblings to maintain. Now that I’ve relocated to finally live for me, she’s been showing her true colors during this retrograde. She’s way to imbedded in every little thing I do, so I don’t have enough space to create my own way of living. I want to be able to have my mom in my life playing her part without her victimizing in replacement with accountability, without the insults and more gratitude. I don’t want to live with resentment for my mother but in order for me to achieve my goals, her emotions effects the mental space I’m currently in. I’m steering more towards logic, presence, confidence, individuality and things of that sort. I don’t want to keep dwelling on the past because it’s time to chose happiness.

3/26/21

I am the woman I’ve always aspired to be. The one that speaks up for her self when needed and someone fun and wise to be around.There’s no shame in my being because it took work, it took time, it took love. I decided to not go to hair school right now because I truly enjoy learning what is needed on YouTube. I feel so connected to creating and being intentional about how I devote my time. I’m back in NY and its a beautiful Spring day. It’s Aries season and I’m ready to laugh and create fun connections with those who are open to something Nu. I reconnected with my mom at the end of 2020 and it’s been more of a balanced relationship with time. I found my voice and gained an understanding of who she is and began to accept her for who she is. In the past there were numerous reasons to escape my reality but I always felt like she needed me more than anything. My mom has paved a way for me to find my voice through a very toxic and draining journey because we spent more time talking at each other. The relationship I always desired came from her changing her tone and less projection. I realized that she was always transmuting different parts of herself while raising me and to be honest she could have hmu when she was ready LMAO. I appreciate all that I was taught and untaught because some things you have to figure out on your own. I’ve been more open about how much I can take and what my life consists of as of now. The love doesn’t change because I’m learning to life without you, there’s things that are needed to heal and undereyes to conceal. From a daughters perspective we love our mothers, we look up to our mothers and admire their strength and resilience creating ways to succeed in America. My mom is a first generation American citizen and it’s been a tough journey obtaining all of her goals and I’ve lived to witness some of the most challenging events in her lifetime. While having to raise me it has exposed me to the reality of how life works. If you’re always comfortable, you’ll never learn how to thrive. Being in the matrix makes you angry, irrational because you’re always trying to find a way. Knowing you’ll find a way is a better perspective to have because the belief gives you the willpower to execute. I always use tell my mom “The money will come” and God gracefully always delivers. I enjoy the ability to speak life into myself when its time to evolve. When things become tense and uneasy, it’s up to you to brace yourself for what’s to come. Love woman that brought you life, even when things do not make sense she’s creating a way for you to be a warrior not a victim. This life is abundant and the more that you ascend, the more you become discipline with your energy. Even your most intimate relationships can be customized to your liking because you are not limited to anyone or anything. We chose the chaos and dysfunctional connections in order to feel some sort of relation to our past. It’s time to let go of how people deal with you. Your life is just as powerful as theirs so take your power back and part ways with your pain.

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