Chose Happiness 🤎

Chose Happiness 🤎
5/29/21

For a long time I was super paranoid about my skin or my hair or how I dressed but I realized all of the changes that I was experiencing built character. I wasn’t the girl with hair down her back and super clear skin, I actually suffered from aggressive ass acne and finding solace with not having my pre-perm length and density. Having to deal with extremely bitter girls in school telling me I acted like an Oreo (never understood that term on Black women) or not having the every Jordan or Nike sneaker in my collection in middle school surely set me apart from the heard. Ideally, my mom couldn’t afford to. At that time I remember wearing a my favorite pairs of uggs religiously to school. Ugg’s wasn’t as popular in 2006, as it is now so everyone made fun of them and called them UGG-ly. Months later, everybody in the hood was rocking uggs and True religion jeans. I then discovered that everyone in this environment accepts you based on trends and if you can afford to keep up. I remember begging my mom to buy me a pair of Airmax 95s and she drove up and down Fordham Road in the Bronx to find me these shoes but they were sold out. I feel like everyone had them during that time because they were released during Easter break. I just remember feeling anxiety knowing that if I went back to school with them damn uggs on the guys at school we’re going to “cut my ass” aka make fun of me 😂.

I feel like growing up in the Bronx, there were no safe spaces to express the amount of projected anger/jealously towards our peers in the black community because we’re so busy trying to heal from the real issue; the mistreatment we deal with in our daily lives. It’s usually stemming from a very empty place that serves no purpose being projected on others that truly do not deserve to feel shitty about themselves ESPECIALLY at such a young age. According to, good therapy.org, there are 3 types of projection. In many ways I think the main form of projection we had as humans is neurotic, everything starts with the mind.

(Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/projection)

It’s somewhat malicious, but we were kids right so let’s just call it what is because we damn sure weren’t stupid:

We’re at war in our own minds as if there’s no escape, as if there’s nothing else to enjoy in this world. We limit our beliefs based on what we see, based on what we’re taught. I was always taught to smile, or to be “nice” or to “speak properly”. All of these things were instilled in my up bringing as to why I’m so receptive to negative energy. It allows others to think I have no boundaries or I don’t feel anything because I’m usually just trying to smile my way through this lifetime. I realized how much that mindset alone affected my day to say interactions growing up by not telling people that they’re crossing boundaries by being blatantly disrespectful.

I mainly grew up in Westchester,Ny where not much happens and usually people are extremely peaceful. But once I moved to the Bronx it really taught me a lot on survival. How to survive through an overpopulated city, the school system, the justice system, public transit, homelessness, different forms of anxiety and creepy Jamaican men hissing at you as you walked by. I remember being so vulnerable in these situations where I felt unsafe and at risk of fully loosing my mind . Living in certain environments can influence a culture embrace like never before, but we tend to miss out how it can truly fuck with your mental. Constantly seeing people in distressed mentally, physically and emotionally always was a heavy feeling for me. It’s somewhat normalized to bypass the extremities that are displayed in low income environments. It always puts things into perspective like if you don’t leave you’ll never know how beautiful it is on the other side 🌸

I chose to embrace the beauty in the myself and world despite where I’m from because there’s so much things to explore outside of where you reside. Keep an open mind to allow all that is challenging you to break out of your everyday norms and try something new 🌺

2 responses to “Chose Happiness 🤎”

  1. I love reading about you. It’s nice to see where you’re coming from compared to the woman you are growing into today. thank you for the throwback pictures because you’ve always been a comedian who dances to the beat of your own drum & that has remained constant regardless of the evolution.

    • Thank you so much for tuning into today’s post. I remember telling you I was going to stop talking and were here today speaking on learning more through this space. Even after being friends for so long you’re ideally still learning about how people transmute different chapters in their lifetime ☺️🥰

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